Failed States of Sanity - I have no idea what I'm doing with my life

24th October 2009

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I have no idea what I'm doing with my life

I really don’t.

When I started college I was dead set on being an engineer and looking back I really don’t know why.

I’m only marginally good at the math and discipline required, but I do enjoy solving problems and building things. It’s something I could do, but I’m not sure its something I want to do.

I’ve started taking anti-depressants because of a very real desire to kill myself a few weeks back as well as mounting paranoia. They’ve started to do their magic and they’ve really helped lift a lot of the depression and hopelessness that I was feeling but now that my head is getting clear I don’t know if I’m on the path I want to be.

I’ve gotten so much joy and pride out of the stupid videos and “art” I’ve done, but there was always that feeling of “you’ll never be able to make a living with it” that dissuaded me from pursuing it seriously. I’ve been giving it almost too much thought and I think I’d be much happier studying philosophy or writing, career options be damned.

This past week I couldn’t bring myself to go to classes. I’d wake up and then go right back to bed completely indifferent to them.

I feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes.

My life has felt like a railroad track up until this point, as if no matter what I do I’ll always go in the same direction and there was nothing I could do to change it. But now I feel like I’m cast adrift in a sea of infinite possibility but with no desire to go anywhere. No strength to row or wind in my sails if you will.

I love to create, nurture, and build on ideas, but I only have marginal desire to act on them. I need someone beside me to say “Let’s go for it.” I can’t motivate myself to do anything, I can’t set goals.

This is something really serious and I’m having a hard time figuring out what to do about it.